Mothers’ Day is probably one of the most significant days on my calendar. Yes like everything else it’s overly commercial and a bit insincere and all the rest, but every year Mother’s Day is different, feels different.
Let me tell you something – I wasn’t born a mother. And even tho I carried him in my tummy and watched him kick and felt him roll, it didn’t make me a mother. And even when I changed his nappies and wiped his nose and rocked him to sleep, that didn’t make me a mother.
Back at the beginning, when I was so depressed I didn’t leave the house for months, there were nights I looked at him and thought “Oh god, what have I done? I’ve made a terrible mistake. I can’t do this.”
I loved him, really I did, but not like I do now. I didn’t want him to cry, he was so lovely, he was gorgeous I wanted him to feel safe and warm and be loved, but I felt so awful that this tiny beautiful boy had been given a mother like me, who had to try and get out of bed, who didn’t gush and fuss every time he burped or cried. I loved him quietly inside myself, and afraid of what that meant. In the back of my head was sheer panic and a desperate need to find a way out.
I didn’t find a way out, I found a way through, and I’m grateful for it every day. I learned to put more than just his immediate needs before my own. I learned to think of him in terms of his whole life, and not just what would get us through the day. I learned that he is his own person, not something that belongs to me.
I learned that for some people that ache in your heart when you think about your baby and that peace that comes when you hold them close comes with patience and dedication and hard work, not always the first time you see them in the delivery room.
My heart bursts with pride for him every day. He’s incredible. And he loves me like nobody else in this world ever can or will. And finally, I can say without doubt, without hesitating for a second that I love him more than anyone ever can or will as well. That didn’t come from me, he taught me that. This year, I really feel like a full and whole mother.